beyond the walls

when i was a kid
i used to escape church at every chance
i remember countless days in sunday school
with my sunday school workbook before me
i never cared for the shiny attendance pins
never an incentive to me
i remember ducking out of services every chance i got
hiding in the drainage pipe when it rained
once discovered an old helicopter in the woods beyond the playground
really
it was a cold rain and i sat in the deteriorating cockpit
imagination spinning
somewhere over Korea
rain dotted and streamed upon
the cracked windshield

i remember roaming halls
hiding in the shadow of the stairs
i didn't want to be found skipping
public school was a bad time and church to me
just seemed like school on the weekend
i don't recall anyone ever finding me

when there was no way around it
and i had to go
it merely proved my dislike for it
i was not hiding from God mind you
i just didn't like man made church
even back then
sunday school
filing in for service
songs sermon and smiling handshakes
coming and going
it always seems so empty
always nice to kick off those sunday shoes
home coming always a relief
all that family around the table

vacation Bible school was the worst
not being home
sugar cookies, fruit drink, and raisins
i planned my escape once
while painting balsa Christmas ornaments
in the middle of June

i became a Christian around 13
and things never really changed
i always felt outside the box
and often still do

the worst dream of my youth
was about church
running up the steep hill for safety
only to find the doors locked
and a painter who turned and fell into the gravel dead
as i approached weary spent and afraid
the creature pursuing me never let up
and approached me
and there was no where to run
the church was never a haven
or a safe place

all the church was to me were songs and sermons
smiles and handshakes coming and going

i found real relationship outside those walls as a youth
i had fellowship with family
and kindred spirits at coffeehouse
i found what to me was real church
The Body
a place where God in His graciousness
gave me Church
even though
betrayal lurks anywhere

my father once told me while i was in my late teens
that i could quit going after i became 19
that day
i had hope and became unchurched for almost 10 years
he tried his best to lengthen the sentence
but he had already spoken is promise
and i politely reminded him
many times

i did not go
without remorse or thought
until i got married at 30
God whispered and said i was responsible for another soul
and so we started searching
i tried to be good about it
but always the songs, sermons, and handshakes coming and going
yet my mission was to be obedient

we finally found a place to pitch our tent
drifted in by way of a home meeting
my wife and i found kinship amid strangers
and then made their church home ours for a while
it was still songs, sermons and smiling handshakes
but it was easier to take when we connected
to some authentic sweet people behind the smiles
it was then that i became churched for a while
i enjoyed The Body but still tolerated church
they quickly tried sticking me in the mold
it was all out of love
and i tried to comply
but i never fit
too odd i know
and they seemed baffled that their old mold wouldn't work
as much as there was love
i never seemed to conform to their method
after a few years
we drifted away
God had given me a chore
and i followed it as far as that path took me
and before i knew it
the fellowship i knew was far behind me
i was unchurched again

we eventually found our way back home to Gadsden
the coffeehouse that once was
was quickly becoming no more
and i did find a church in it's very place
filled still with many a familiar face
my square ways
seemed to fit for a long while
no one tried to force me into smooth round holes
there seemed at first
no round holes there
i stayed for a decade

there is a strain and suppression
when there is too much control
and few are released
but we are just men
just men
in robes
hiding our flawed humanity
in His holiness
i know this
it is sadly everywhere
i know

me too

today i have been lead away from that fellowship
whose people i love dearly
but it hasn't been my church
for quite some time
and will still visit my dear friends
to worship with
from time to time

but it's been a long time since I've felt a true part
there the worship isn't simply song
but very intimate
closeness to the foot of His throne
i have learned a great deal from that place
and have experienced Church often there
but
i should have moved on a long time ago
because it's not where i need to be
i keep being reminded of that
every time i returned

the building was once the old coffeehouse
where i had church
and the church where i experienced a wonderful intimacy later in life
and it's time
my wife needs something different
my children need to be fed
and i pick up my staff
and wander into the wilderness
again
searching
again
tempted to find a drain pipe
but constantly reminding myself
that i have a family to feed
and gifts to give freely

churches today seem different
but haven't changed all that much
maybe the music
the preachers now younger than me
but still something inside me
doesn't want any part of it
now it's a rock concert, music video, sermon and a smiling handshakes

stepping outside the walls
and moving outward toward tomorrow
the footprints from that vineyard
quickly disappear in the sand
my wife looks at me and asks
what now
my daughters seem oblivious to the new day
just happy to be family
and Katie just content to be where God dwells

show us where you dwell Lord
what man made temple
does your light shine down over
is there one
no gadgets, gimmicks or agendas
programs
where may i serve you
where can i serve you
where can i truly worship you
i will be free where ever you send me
and hammer at walls where walls need to fall
where Lord
what now

it doesn't have to be a church
within the walls of man
just a place to worship you
amid your family