an introvert hiding

for years I'd been telling Gina that
if i had not met and married her
i would've been a hermit
a recluse
for years she refused to believe this
she always saw me as an extrovert but
i am only an introvert hiding
she didn't understand why i said this
because i don't mind being on stage
i didn't understand it myself for most of my life
i just knew that when i am in a crowd
i'm often dizzied, disoriented, drained
and smothered 
in a crowd
i do not linger
i go for the nearest exit
to take in a little air
inhale some of Zevon's splendid isolation
but i don't mind the stage
a separated place
a little distance
only a few years ago i discovered
i discovered something quirky about myself
to be on stage, out there entertaining
is to have some control of my environment
whether playing an instrument or
simply clowning
i could do more than breath
i could exist among a crowd
and give something
years ago folks used to say that i use laughter to hide
it was meant to be a judgmental put down
to reveal a vice
a flaw within me
years later i realized that i had indeed used laughter
used laughter as a means
used laughter to isolate
that all the laughing was a indeed a curtain
a veil
a buffer
a place to hide
a place to hide sometimes but
laughter is also medicine
a gift rather than a flaw
i love laughter and
ignite it every chance i get
not always successful
but i try
joy helps me exist in a fallen world
in a flawed flesh
laughter is balm
a band-aid and
a kiss to make it better
joy helps me to see
the world for what it is
laughter keeps me
from suffocating
suffering
from not taking it all so serious
laughter is a fuel
that keeps me running
makes the world a stage
and to be
simply to be
the fellow God made me
to be
yes
i would've been a hermit but
He knew what was better for me
-df


"Tell the truth.  Sing with passion.  Work with laughter.  Love with heart, cause that's all that matters in the end."
-Kris Kristofferson