places: no lies between us

It was good to see Camille.  I put my arms around her and held her for a long time.  It did my heart good to feel her embrace - more than words.  It erased those doubts that often whispered in my head.  This love is for real.

She was of course surprised to see me all bruised and cut.  I was hurting still and decided to keep off the medication a little longer so we could talk.

There was no sidestepping the conversation.  I debated in my head whether to tell her about Clayton, and what I had done. I was tempted to just omit telling her that  I killed him.  During the course of my life I had refined the art of lying. I could probably pull it off...but not to Camille. She was the last person in the world to whom I would ever want to lie.

I became resolved to tell her.

So I braced myself.  I told her.  I told her everything. I didn’t white wash a word of it.

The room got quiet.  I could hear the muted sounds of the juke playing from the diner across the street. 

“Camile, Carter had a man killed.  He was going to kill me.” 

Tears welled in her eyes and her face turned away from mine.  I kept talking.  My heart was sinking in despair, but I couldn’t take the words back.  I just kept talking - to go ahead and put it all on the table.

She just gazed out the window.  The flashing neon outside washed her face in blue and red light. 

“I brought you here to get you out of the way.  If you still want me, I need you to continue to stay here, or better yet, leave the state.  I have to go back out there and settle this.  Even if you don’t want me, it’s probably best that you leave this place. Don’t look back.  You can keep all the money we’ve saved.”

“I want you.” she said, and then turned her eyes back toward mine. “I want you.” 

I have no words for what I feel.  To say that it is a great relief is an understatement.

“Why didn’t you tell me about your and Clayton’s relation?”

“Clayton isn’t my brother. I didn’t lie to you.  I don’t know why he would lie to you."

“To stay alive.  I had a gun on him.”  She put her hand on mine. 

“If he’s not related to you, then what was between you two? What have you been keeping from me?” 

Camille burst into tears, “I don’t want to lie to you. Please don’t ask me to tell you, at least not just yet.  I want to tell you, but I’m weak - I’m weak.  If I tell you, it will break your heart and - oh my darling - I just can’t.” 

Right then I wanted to take that pain pill.  I wanted to feel numb. 

“Clayton Tyler was not a good man, and I am not a good person.  I came to him because he was the only man I knew that had money and could help me if I asked.  I knew he would help me.  But I knew going in that Clayton -he’d have an angle - always had an advantage.  Nothing was free.”

“Camille, why did you bring us here?”

“Because we had nothing Johnny.”

She leaned her head against my chest.

“I should have warned you darling, but I didn’t want you to know what kind of person I am. I want to be with you always - always from the start. I was willing to do anything to get a second chance . . . for us.”

“We had nothing Johnny - nothing. Clayton as bad as he was, always seemed to have everything.”

I felt ashamed listening to her.  It wasn’t her place, and I let her lead us there. I was too busy being hopeless.  It was my place to work out some hope for the two of us.

“When I told him that I was leaving – he laughed – he told me that I would come back.”

“Camille, I’m not going to ask you anymore about Clayton.  I don’t know if I could take it.  Maybe you’re not right to trust me with it, I don’t know.  No matter what, I do love you.

I held her.  I felt her hot tears on my neck.

“Being here is my fault - not yours.”  I told her.

I kissed her.

“All this time, you were some one different than I thought.” I said, “All this time it’s taken me to discover that we are very much alike.  I have a bad habit of not seeing what I don’t want to see.” 

I opened the window to let in a breeze.  The music from across the street wafted in with the night air.

A Hoagy Carmical number.

“Oh Johnny, can we get out this?”

“I don’t know - but you can’t go with me.  You can’t be anywhere near here..”

“What do we do now?” 

The lights were off in our room. The neon light outside came through the shifting curtains.  I held her. She held me.  We found ourselves dancing together - to the music from the diner across the way.