six eyes

Gina finished up with her last patient early today and decided to treat the girls to the city guizer. We drove Katie and Kelsey over to the boat dock where the city spent mucho money to install fountains so my kids can run around in circles in and squeel. I stayed back away from the hordes of wet children and perused a book upon a park bench on the dock. Two strange children came from behind me and tried to surprize me as if I were their long lost uncle. I turned to see a little boy and his big sister smiling at me from behind. The little boy was looking at me funny as I looked them over and said hello. The little boy cocked his head and asked, "Why are you wearing two pairs of glasses?" I said, "Because one pair won't do." He didn't understand what I said and repeated the question. His big sister corrected him by saying that "He already answered your question." Off they went up the sidewalk toward the water and the sounds of the wet squeeling kids. I watched them cross over the bridge and told them not to run on the pavement as if they were mine and then started reading again.

Gina has suggested on several occasions that I go get my eyes checked and get some prescription glasses. It's just something that I can't make myself do. I've purchased two sets of prescription glasses over the course of 20 years and wore each pair for less than a week. Right now I am sitting in front of this computer wearing two pairs of glasses. My vision fluctuates and I have a dozen pair of magnifying glasses that I've purchase at Dollar Tree. I wear different ones for different days, depending on my vision. Last week I wore a pair of pink wire framed glasses that my four year old could not get over me wearing.

Frankly, I don't really care how I look these days. I got over it sometime in my late twenties after going bald when I was only 21. I guess I looked silly wearing pink glasses to see last week. I guess I looked silly to those children who snuk up on me from behind this afternoon. I am sticking with what works and what is the cheapest. I've lived my life not trying to impress anyone because at those rare moment that I do try, I come out the awkward ass. I know, I am a character.

About two weeks ago Gina talked me into getting some shoes to help me with my feet. I went and had an orthopedic guy look at them. He ordered me a new pair of shoes and insoles that ended up costing about $350.00. I felt guilty before and after and still feel guilty about it. I can't stand spending money on me. Being a diabetic insurance is absurd. I pay BCBS a butt load monthly and my deductible is $1,000.00 per year so needless to say, I bought the shoes out of my pocket and I am sick about it. Did I mention that these shoes were made by the devil? Yes, these shoes hurt my feet and I am trying to wear them anyway...give them a chance. These shoes are making my life miserable. I can't go anywhere and stand for long. I go to the office and kick them off and move around the office in just my socks. I hate those shoes but am going to wear them and see if this custom made insoles - #$%^y -shoes get any better. I can't believe I spent money that my family needs on these shoes from hell.

I am reminded of a time I went to the dentist when I was a teenager. The dentist told me that he could pull two teeth or do some kind of bridge work which would be pretty expensive. He warned me that if he pulled the teeth, the rest of my teeth buddies in my mouth would eventually make use of the vacancy. I wasn't paying for it so I took the cheaper route. I remember thinking how I didn't want to make my dad and mom spend any more than they had to. Thinking back, why did that dentist leave me that decision? Shouldn't he have asked a parent instead of allowing an minor make the decision about aborting teeth? I remember them being aggravated by ydecision but I was only trying to save them money.

My reaction has always been the same, go the lesser road for myself. Don't get me wrong, I don't think this is a noble attribute. Oh contra re. Every time I step out and try to "do it for yourself", something like the shoe incident takes place. I guarantee you by next year, those expensive shoes are going into the Hannah Home Drop Box! Can you tell I am sick over this?

I can't bring myself to spend money on stuff when there is so little of it in the bank. This isn't the case with Gina or the girls. I want them to have what they need but I can't bring myself to do for myself. Gina asked me the other day how I am doing with my diabetic management...monitoring and taking my pills. I told her that I hadn't taken the pills for the high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetic medicine since we started the business the Summer of 2005. "Why?" she asked. Because insurance changed and I can't bring myself to spending $200+ per month on medicine when life is so tight right now. I guess she saw me taking herbs to help blood sugar etc and thought I was still on taking the meds.

I had some kind of infection a couple of months ago that would not go away. I usually try to take the Dollar General crap and try to weather it out. After three weeks of suffering, I finally broke down and went to Clay (my doctor) and he gave me a couple of shots in the butt and some prescriptions. The Rx cost me about $150.00 and again I felt sick over it. It's life I know but I felt guilty that I spent that money on me. I know...I'm sick on so many levels.